We are the masters of Earth. We are the masters of Earth. We are the masters of Earth.

I reproduce here, in its entirety, the Scotsman's editorial piece today regarding further evidence for life on Mars. I do so with adequate announcement of fair-use according to copyright laws and the observation that, if they really want to claim ownership of this tiresome crack-addled screed in a court of law, they can go right ahead.

Two questions wrap the planet Mars in deepest mystery. The first is whether there is, or was, life. Professor Colin Pillinger, of the Open University, is excited by the discovery of carbon in a meteorite hurled to Earth nearly 100 years ago. Others remain sceptical.

The second question is really more interesting. It is whether life on Mars is better. This is worth discussing because there is a sizeable body of Scots opinion that asserts it could not possibly be worse. Is there, for example, a football team? And what is the nationality of the manager? Is there a single Mars government? Or are the craters devolved? If so, would they be interested in some spare building designs?

We know that liquid once existed on the surface of Mars. That is not the point. What matters is: was it Buckfast? Or Barr's Irn-Bru? We know there are extremes of temperature. But what we need to know is whether the electricity was supplied by ScottishPower and, if it was, is this why there is no-one left to pay the bills? And how did Mars get rid of its wind farms? The Viking landers didn't crash into any. As for that meteorite, was the carbon content clearly stated in the tin with the calorie count? Any old life just won't do.

Am I missing some kind of hilarious joke?

Fuck it. I think I'm moving back south of the border.