Iambic pentameter? But I hardly know 'er

[gominokouhai]

As the demigoddesslike (and deipnosophistic) annajroberts draws to a close her epic deconstruction of a certain popular novel (which magnum opus begins here), it is time once again to turn to your regularly scheduled lamentations that E L James is, for some unfathomable reason, remotely successful.

annajroberts ‏ajrobertswrites
When you type SHA into Amazon's search engine the first predictive result is Shakespeare. The second is Shades of Grey.

annajroberts ‏ajrobertswrites
I suppose it could be worse. Could be the other way round, but talk about opposite ends of the talent spectrum.

annajroberts ‏ajrobertswrites
I wish Shakespeare HAD written Fifty Shades of Grey. It might have contained some actual dick jokes. And maybe they'd have killed themselves

pajh ‏‏gominokouhai
@ajrobertswrites I foresee a project.

annajroberts ajrobertswrites
@gominokouhai Ugh. Forget it. I've only just put one parody to bed and I only wrote that to get it off my chest.

pajh ‏‏gominokouhai
@ajrobertswrites I'm just considrin the potential for proper rhetoric in the contract scene. I might do it if you won't.

annajroberts ‏ajrobertswrites
@gominokouhai Do it! I won't - I've had more than enough of those mewling, worthless assholes, with their sex contracts and crap BSDM.

pajh ‏gominokouhai
@ajrobertswrites I have four lines of stichomythia in iambic pentameter earworming me now. I may have to write this down to exorcize it.

You asked for it, you got it. (Okay, you didn't ask, but still. Nobody expressly forbade it.) I include the foregoing discussion as context, so you know who is to blame for the ensuing nonsense.

(A further disclaimer: no I've not read Fifty Shades of Grey. In fact I once had to discipline a staff member who I suspected of reading it. Turned out to be a false alarm. So having only read the parody version, and not having read Twilight either, I have no idea if this scene actually takes place, but I'm led to believe it does. So there.)

TEN AND TWOSCORE CHIAROSCUROES
Or, A Bardish Bawd for the Bored.

ACTUS SECUNDUS, Scaena Prima.

Chr. My lady, shall I tie thee up with ropes?
Ana. Yea, even with your cable ties withal.
Chr. O madam, wilt thou take it up the butt?
Ana. My lord, I never so had thought before.
Chr. Not e'en consider up the butt to take't?
Ana. Mayhap I shall consider it.
Chr.                           Dude, sweet.
Ana. But shall we speak not of our hearts'—
Chr.                           We'll not;
      For thou art but a paltry Mary Sue
      And I a ripoff vampire libertine.
      No more than this we are, no more;
      And poorly written are we both at that.
      No sooner would I tear off both my stones
      Than tarry long in such a perfect void.
      But use thee shall I for my carnal aims,
      For what this novel lacks in plot it shall
      Repay with dirty bits in purple prose.
      With organ perpendicular I'll search;^[0]
      In pleasures horizontal shall I find
      My consolation for thy lack of mind.
        For surely there could be no woman dumber
        Than one who seeks to romance such a—
Ana.                           Bummer.
Chr. I seest what thou didst there.

There, now it's out of my brain. And possibly into yours... sorry about that. I started off with two couplets I had to get out of my head, and ended up with a full-blown sonnet: there is a lesson here, I'm sure, but I'm damned if I want to know what it is.

--

[0] Bad Quarto editions have probe here, but later editors bowdlerized it for the sake of their own sanity.

Comments

[highlyeccentric]

Aaaaand metaquoted

[gominokouhai]

Thank you, my dear.

(Tried to comment on your post this evening---seem to be blocked. Just wanted to say: thank you, so that makes twice now.)

[highlyeccentric]

Huh, weird, it's not supposed to be comment-locked, and if you can read it you're on my flist... STRANGE ARE THE WAYS OF DREAMWIDTH

[highlyeccentric]

You might've been trying to comment while I was editing it, that could be it!

[gominokouhai]

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...but thank you, nonetheless.

[highlyeccentric]

BLOODY HELL. Did you do something heinous that would make me ban you? How do I even ban people? *confused*

[gominokouhai]

Maybe Dreamwidth knows me better and is protecting you. Maybe.

[alexseanchai]

The hover menu that shows up when your cursor's over their userhead includes 'ban user'. Since it also includes 'remove access' when you've given it and 'give access' when you haven't, I assume that when you've banned the user, it has 'unban user'. (Dunno what to do if the hover menu is inaccessible to you, sorry.) In fact I'm gonna test that out right now--okay, you're banned--and you're unbanned. So the hover menu works.

[highlyeccentric]

Ooooh, OK! I probably hovered over his name by accident when navigating on my phone.

[stultiloquentia]

This is so beautiful.

[amalnahurriyeh]

Here via metaquotes. *slow clapping*

[greenbirds]

Here via metaquotes. Omg this made my day. Brilliant! Thank you! :D

[azurelunatic]

*snickers*
*shares*

[pauamma]

I'm not sure whether to be happy or upset that this entry isn't about cuntry matters.

[gehayi]

That is pretty much the whole book. I know, for I've had to read the horror for chapter-by-chapter reviews, and I am now slogging through the misery that is the second book. Here's the Shakespearean sequel, in the form of two sonnets.

In Which the Chiaroscuro Groweth Ever Blacker
(Which Hath Been Based Upon The First Two Chapters of The Sequel)

ACTUS PRIMUS, Scaena Prima.

Ana. Five bleak and sunless days have passed betimes
Since I left him who'd harm me just for fun.
Now weep I at bards' lilts and milkmaids' rhymes,
With food and sleep I am forever done.

Such anguish I am not equipped to bear,
For I am but a weak and shallow twit;
I crave the man I fear, for he is fair,
Although I comprehend him not one bit.

And so, with my inertia, my tale stalls;
Most passive of protagonists am I,
Unwilling to rage, mourn and then make calls,
And soar once more into the dating sky.

I have no will unless, perchance, it's his.
My series should, i' truth, be called "Lay Miz."

(Enter CHRISTIAN.)

Chr. Although she said, "When thy sickness is healed,
Thy demon slain, then—then!—I swear, we'll speak,"
I paid no heed, for I'm not one to yield—
Nay, none would ever dream to call me meek.

And so I did invite her to a show
Of sexual assailant she calls friend,
Each nagging, scolding word of mine a blow
Designed to help me break her will, not bend.

I forced the wench to eat, blamed her for grief,
Held her to vow she'd spoken in her sleep,
Exploited all her foolish heart's belief,
Behaved, in short, like what I am: a creep.

Abusive bastards tend to stink, not shine...
And so I do. Yet I stopped Ana's whine.

[gominokouhai]

I am deeply disturbed by how easy you made that seem. Very, very well done.

[gehayi]

Thank you. I love yours.

You're a sick man, Mr. Hamilton

[annajroberts.wordpress.com]

This is AMAZING. Organ perpendicular? Fucking magic.

Re: You're a sick man, Mr. Hamilton

[gominokouhai]

Perpendickular, fnarr.

I must confess I'm quite pleased that I got an equal-opportunity cunt joke in there as well. For these more enlightened times, you know.

[nanila]

*applause* That's even better than 50ShedsofGrey, that is.

[scotm]

When distilling your written works in years to come: "Dude, sweet" will be your "The hammer is my penis."

[gominokouhai]